Sunday, December 6, 2009

Saturday, December 5, 2009


I can't afford to remember.

Because, if I do...

I die.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


Those spaces...

In between the lines.

The creeping,
underlying sense of unknown entity.

I wish I didn't have it.
Didn't see it.
Didn't feel it.

how I wish!


Cold, but cooling.

Come and hug the broken pieces...
that is me.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


Come to think of it...

I haven't post anything for November.

Is it because life goes on as normal as usual?

Whatever 'normal' means...

Sunday, October 11, 2009


I hate this feeling...

It's confusing!

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Pain of Grief

I hope he's doing well
I'm missing him
It's painful to see him in pain

But how am I suppose to sooth him?
It feels so helpless...
As I am unable to help him.

I can't even hug him...
That hurts.

Is he doing well today?
How well is he coping with his lost?
It's so sudden that the pain hurts so much.

please help him.
And his family.

Perhaps, just perhaps...
For me at least
He is the brother
That I never have.

I never know the kind of friendship
that could make me so happy...
and so sad.

Until now...

Thank you God for letting me know the good peeps.


the grandmother of Siti Fairuz Kawid
the father of Fiza Hanif Zainon.


with loads of love,
I love you.


Saturday, September 19, 2009


With family.


Eid Mubarak!

with love,


Saturday, August 1, 2009

DBSK: Of rise and fall

This picture was taken on 24.11.2007...

TVXQ 2nd Asia Tour 'O' Live in Malaysia.

I'll never forget the date...
for the concert was a blast! :)

What a very fond memory...
and to read this is honestly, not totally shocking for me.

Their rise to stardom,
is too, too sudden.

It's bound to happen,
H.O.T... Shinhwa... remember?

And though they'll resume their works with S.M,
it will never be the same anymore, isn't it?

And one day, even they're still together as DBSK,
they'll perhaps leave S.M Ent.

And seek for a new management.
Or manage themselves.

But it'll never be the same...

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Boring Boredom

I'm sick and tired of mellow rantings...

Thinking of going swimming tomorrow.

Going alone is fine by me but...

Anyone wanna come with me?

To witness a platypus swimming.


not funny.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


What did I do for the whole short semester?

It was a bit of a rollercoaster ride...

First operation: o2o509
Medical leave: 17 days

Appointment on 260509
News: Positive Cancer

Second operation: 290509
Medical leave: 14 days

Off thyroxine
Side effects.

Cultural Village
Where: Kuala Pilah, Negeri Sembilan
When: 090709-120709

New Semester

Semester 1 session 09/10

Credit hours: 12.5
Subjects: 5
Level: 3

New semester started.
Didn't go to class.

Went to class.
Starting to go off seafood.
For approximately, a month.

Iodine ablation (trial)
Full body scan.

I'll be a mutant...
Mood swings
Overly sensitive
Perhaps, more.

Please bear with me,


Sunday, June 14, 2009

Of Meetings and Chances

Blessings in disguise:
New friends,
Bal, Joseph, Gerald,
The practical nurses.
They remembered me.

Extra blanket.
'Better watch Devdas and cry'.

Darussyifa', Bangi.
Harun Din treats the first 200.
Owh... 'takda rezeki'.

By chance, 251.
Went in.
Wait outside, waiting for uncle's turn,

A man approached, a 'perawat'.
'Bang, ambil borang ni, isi, terus masuk dalam'.

Thank you Allah, for all your blessings.

Monday, June 1, 2009


Dunno why...

But I could still smell the odour of the hand sanitizer and the oxygen mask.
The smell of, a hospital.

That is...

P/s: Owh... I'm already at home. I'd been discharged on Sunday afternoon. Alhamdulillah I don't have to stay longer like last time, for the blood from the wound was draining fast. For the 1st surgery, it came out very slowly (initial night, 40cc), but real fast for this time (150cc for the initial night, and sudden plunge to only 2cc for the next night). Thank God they don't make me stay for hematoma whatsoever too. Tolerating better with anaesthesia, no throwing up whatsoever, but with greater post-op pain. Need to go back to the hospital this morning to draw out some blood, and set the date yadda yadda for the radio-iodine therapy at HKL.

Friday, May 29, 2009

A Quickie

The surgery was done at 3.30pm yesterday.

Am now blogging from my hospital bed.

Keep smiling peeps!

For I am smiling.


Tuesday, May 26, 2009


I said previously that I am not dumbfounded...

I was.

But it doesn't mean that I am not

I am.

Hug me.

Hold me.

Somebody... please.

Adegan Drama Melayu

In many of Drama Melayu, especially the old skool ones, there will always be one of the main casts having some kind of a grave disease.

Imagine a dramatic face of a doctor, saying this:

Maafkan saya... tetapi saya ada berita buruk yang perlu saya sampaikan. Keputusan ke atas ujian yang dijalankan menunjukkan encik/cik/puan menghidap barah (common in Malay dramas)


And I have my own Adegan Drama Melayu this morning, though it's not at all dramatic.

Dr. Goh: The result has come out... (buat muka concern dalam tenang)
Moi: Uhum... (takda perasaan)
Dr. Goh: The result has come out... (buat muka concern + mcm expecting an outburst of emotion or something tapi muka dia ni sentiasanya tenang)

It's cancer.

Moi: Owh... ok.


Like I was being told by the doctor that I have a slight fever.

Yes, I am not dumbfounded.

For I have brave myself for the worst since the very beginning I discover the lump.

But, Alhamdulillah, thyroid cancer is not the aggressive kind of cancer.

No chemo needed.

I will undergo another surgery this friday to remove the rest of the thyroid gland.

Wish me well, friends.


Sunday, May 24, 2009

Mountain Dew

I miss you.

The luscious yellowish green that you are...

Where art thou?

Friday, May 15, 2009

Tag Un-done

Unbelievably long tag.



Unceremoniously deleted.

... ... ...


Wednesday, May 13, 2009


I'm now in the middle of my 17 days MC and I'll be back in campus next Tuesday.

Classes and mahallah check-in had been taken care of last Friday.

The wound is healing; I can now stretch my neck and the swelling is lessening.

Next appointment is on the 25th.

Been wondering why I can't remember much post op, like I was in a daze or something.

And vomited a couple of times too.

Is this normal?

Googled and found the answer here:

Nausea and Vomiting

Post-operative nausea and vomiting is a common problem during recovery from general anesthesia. In addition, patients may feel drowsy, weak, or tired for several days after the operation, a combination of symptoms sometimes called the hangover effect. Fuzzy thinking, blurred vision, and coordination problems are also possible. For these reasons, anyone who has had general anesthesia should not drive, operate machinery, or perform other activities that could endanger themselves or others for at least 24 hours, or longer if necessary.

Okay, now I understand.

I'm normal.

Kak Raihan invited me for a hangout but I can't go; not allowed.
'Don't over-do yourself', said someone.
'Take it easy.'


Really want to go swimming.
Play angklung and gamelan.
Hangout with friends.

Get back to life.


Thursday, April 30, 2009

Midnight Mission

As Lebam refused to lend me her laptop, I'm now on a mission.

(mission best sangat la... *pun intended*)

I will not sleep tonight, so that I'll sleep the whole day tomorrow at the hospital.

(kau ingat brilliant sangat lah idea ni A?)

Good idea.



Friday, April 24, 2009


It was postponed.
Again... For the second time.

1st: 10/4 - Final exam.

2nd: 24/4 (today) - 2 emergency cases.

Checked in (ingat mahallah UIA atau hotelkah?) yesterday morning at 10am. I am perfectly healthy except for that approximately 3cm thyroid adenoma on the right side of my neck... and totally mobile. And so, the ultimate 2 days 1 night of total boredom started.

Nothing at all to do (whaddaya expect to do in a hospital?). Brought some books to read but a surgical ward, I discover, is not a suitable place for reading... Whatever I read does not get to my head. No entertainment at all except for the routine blood pressure and temperature check-up every few hours and that loyar-burok-of-a-practical-19y.o-male-nurse-named-Farhan (no pun intended, he's adorable!). Owh... and the free-flow of hand sanitizer with auto sensor (kak Aton will totally love this!). That's why perhaps, only perhaps, my last BP reading is 145/70-or-80-something-can't-remember! Gila high blood pressure kan... Hahaa.

The second postponement is a very last minute one as I was already prepped up for the surgery... No food since 8.30pm and no drinks since 12a.m. To keep me hydrated, a bottle of H2O was dripped into me through an IV at around 1pm and another bottle immediately after the earlier one finished.

But as the doctors do rounds at around 3pm, I was informed that it will be postponed at a later date as there is not enough time slot because of 2 emergency cases.



The IV was immediately pulled out of me and I immediately changed into my civvies (hospital's clothes is very unfashionable!).

And... Go home!

I fully understand the situation but am totally tired of all the ordeals leading up to the surgery.

Numerous trips to UIA clinic and H.S... back and forth, back and forth.

And last minute cancellation.


Today is the perfect date; as it's in the middle of the two weeks inter-semester holiday and there's time for recuperation.

The new date: 02.05.2009 (Saturday)

The day right before the registration of the short semester...

And I need to add Arab level 3, manually.

And I can't do it.

For recuperation will take, say, approximately, a week.


For I have not eaten or drink from midnight, Mak brought me for supper+breakfast+lunch+dinner. And I ordered:

-nasi goreng daging merah
-kailan ikan masin
-tauhu bakar
-neslo ais
-sirap limau ais

I know that's wayyy too much, but WTHeck.

Another days of boredom awaits, starting 01.05.09.

I rest my case.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I'm Truly Sorry...

... for any of my shortcomings and wrongdoings.

Wish me well.

I'll be back in a few days.

Cheers! :)

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I Don't Ask For Much...

Just a Lollipop.


a Lollipop.

credits: pix (Google), vid (Yoobyn @ yt)

Monday, March 30, 2009

A Woman's Worth

A man expects from a woman for so much...
But are you worth her love?

You want her to put you through...
But did you protect her rights?

You want her to love you...
But do you love her as much?

Love her
Protect her
Be responsible to her
And give her her rights
Put her on a pedestal

She'll be the sweetest angel for you.

There's nothing more that she asked for.

If you treat me fairly
I'll give you all my goods...
Treat you like a real woman should
Baby, I know you're worth it
If you never play me
Promise not to bluff
I'll hold you down when it gets rough
'Cause baby, I know you're worth it

Wanna' please; wanna' keep; wanna' treat your
woman right?
Not just told, but to show, that she knows she's
worth your time
You will loose, if you choose, to refuse to put her first

'Cause a real man knows a real woman when he
sees her
And a real woman knows a real man
Ain't 'fraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always
comes first
And a real man just can't deny
A woman's worth

~Alicia Keys' A Woman's Worth~

In honour of my beloved Mak, Zatiyah bt. Ayob.
Iqa sayang Mak...
Adik sayang Mak.
You're my life.

Friday, March 20, 2009

At Peace

Comfort disguises itself in different ways.

"Blowing out the other person's candles does not make yours shine any brighter."

-In reflection of recent events-

Oh... How true.

Thank you Allah.

What you did to me does not stop me from living.

I am still breathing.

And I am thanking God for my family and supports of true friends.

I'm alive.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Older... and wiser?

I'll be 21...
In a few more days.

I am definitely older.

am I wiser?



There's no need to talk if only to hurt.

Just let me be...


Quotable Quotes

Try to believe, the worth of happiness that you realize...
in the tears of your worn out sadness.
-TVXQ, Rising Sun-

A song will outlive all sermons in the memory.
-Henry Giles-

The pleasures of the mighty are the tears of the poor.
-Latin Proverb-

Too much confidence turns to arrogance.
Too much humbleness is self-inflicted torture.
-Tablo, Epik High-

I'm honest when I lie.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Don't Go

credit: BehindTheYellowLine @ youtube

Thursday, January 29, 2009


I like the smell of rain...

And it's raining now...

Cat & dog.

Friday, January 23, 2009


I'd called.

From morning to noon,
then afternoon.

'Cik, surgical clinic engaged lah'

'Sorry miss, engaged'

'Doctor tengah attend patient, nanti panggil balik ye...'

And a few times more.

- Saya call regarding my biopsy and the date for my surgery hari selasa hari tu but was told to call today...

'Kenapa call petang ye. Hari tu saya bagitahu pagi... Doctor dah tak da kat clinic'

- .......


Sunday, January 4, 2009


I’m amazed.
At how one could laugh heartily
When another is in so deep a misery.

I’m amazed.
At how one could hurl so much of insults and accusations
When another lips are shut tight.

I’m amazed.
When you think of me as what you think I am
And not as whom I truly am.

I’m amazed.
Of the set perspectives you have of me
For I am not what you think I am.

I’m amazed.
At how you twist my motives
And understand them from what you want them to be.

I’m amazed.
For our way of thinking
Is of heaven and earth.


Strangled and choking
The air seems tight
The space is cramming

Nowhere to go

Stop ridiculing me behind my back
Stop thinking of me as what you want me to.

I’m me.

And if that’s so hard to do

Leave it.
And so be it.