tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10196474391665801542024-03-05T06:07:27.826-08:00A is what it is...Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.comBlogger84125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-4974054336592341152021-03-26T06:39:00.001-07:002021-03-26T06:39:57.885-07:00TherapySo, due to MDD, I've been going for treatment. It has been 4 years. Last year, I started to go to talk therapy.<div><br></div><div>And one of the things my therapist teaches me is to note down my feelings by keeping a journal.</div><div><br></div><div>Why can't this be it, yeah? </div><div><br></div><div>It's hard to actually start and to keep at it. I have long loss my interest in reading, and my writing is rusty.</div><div><br></div><div>So, here's a snippet of today.</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN8zdnM6YGzHo9CBLeXBVK-raElPz6r0_YjMlksA8eIsQia4PUescD42SWxLgGAii_2jn799tQDV4mo2eML74SjatZKr2SpleV0aJM8DeGQzG6hBATDu9V4caZpWAr9fBLGEykOa1Czh2p/s1600/1616765991528011-0.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN8zdnM6YGzHo9CBLeXBVK-raElPz6r0_YjMlksA8eIsQia4PUescD42SWxLgGAii_2jn799tQDV4mo2eML74SjatZKr2SpleV0aJM8DeGQzG6hBATDu9V4caZpWAr9fBLGEykOa1Czh2p/s1600/1616765991528011-0.png" width="400">
</a>
</div><br></div><div>My nephew who is actually too big for the cradle already. Such a joy, this little fellow.</div>Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-92004686660894008812021-03-24T23:58:00.001-07:002021-03-24T23:58:24.772-07:002021It's been years, so this space is a little dusty.<div><br></div><div>What to tell?</div><div><br></div><div>I now have a name for those lows and melancolies I felt for ever so long.</div><div><br></div><div>It's called MDD.</div>Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-28161307036185094982015-12-26T09:05:00.003-08:002015-12-26T09:05:33.369-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /><iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/rDI7tAL5MLQ/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/rDI7tAL5MLQ?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-52279210526495974402015-12-20T16:52:00.002-08:002015-12-20T16:52:18.619-08:00I was raised with guilt.<br />
<br />
Being made to believe that I am never good enough for anything.<br />
<br />
I am in the process of letting all that go.<br />
<br />
It's not easy but I would like to believe that it is not impossible.<br />
<br />
I deserve my happiness.Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-65219008103155469842015-12-20T16:24:00.002-08:002015-12-20T16:24:46.497-08:00I need to get out of all these staleness and negativity.<br />
<br />
I need to stop belittling my own intelligence.<br />
<br />
I need to stop believing that I have no self-worth.<br />
<br />
For a moment, I want to be happy.Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-79516379685327282752015-12-19T16:46:00.000-08:002015-12-19T16:46:19.673-08:00I want to have a taste to life, again. And for my death not to be in vain.<br />
<br />
<br />
I don't want to leave this world not having truly lived.Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-49943461111481104732015-11-02T14:26:00.001-08:002015-11-02T14:26:31.858-08:00Not smart, nor beautiful, nor lovable, with no talent.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Inadequate, in every possible way.Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-38131571252285702232015-08-02T07:45:00.000-07:002015-08-02T07:45:03.308-07:00If you wish to 'pijak' me, or say that I am 'kurang ajar', say that to my face you coward. You say that behind my back but put a smile and act cordial in front of me, such hypocrite. We never have any real connecting relationship, anyway, except for that that couldn't be severed.Since the very beginning it's always you and your friends. Never have you ask a concerning, 'what's wrong, you can always speak to me'. Fuck off! Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-38315741685681341672015-06-01T11:34:00.001-07:002015-08-16T15:50:50.362-07:00I have been made my whole life to think, that I will never be capable to be my own person.<br />
<br />
<br />
And I growing up believing exactly that.<br />
<br />
<br />
To this age.<br />
<br />
<br />
I believe that it is the root to all my bad thoughts and wrong directions.<br />
<br />
<br />
I think, I have had enough. It's time to take charge. <br />
<br />Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-18323559774805836912014-04-02T05:58:00.000-07:002014-04-02T05:58:40.136-07:00I have a picture in my head.<br />
It is stagnant.<br />Ever so present.<br />
<br />
<br />
Of a silhouette of no gender.<br />
Drowning, in a deep cold water.<br />
Its arm reaching out to the surface, it can feel the air already in its palm.<br />
<br />
<br />
Another figure on a ledge on the water.<br />
It is up there, safe and sound.<br />
From the chill and deepness,<br />
the darkness of the water.<br />
<br />
<br />
Aware of that arm, that is trying to get out.<br />
It puts its hand out.<br />
Not to grasp that cold helpless hand out of the chilling water.<br />
But to push its head down.<br />
<br />
<br />
Deeper and deeper.<br />
Until it drowns.<br />
And die.<br />
<br />
<br />Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-89832247662066844602013-10-30T10:25:00.002-07:002013-10-30T10:25:39.044-07:00<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I learned that plans can sometimes go unwell when I was 21.<br /><br /><br />I got cancer.<br /><br /><br />So, buck up!</span>Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-46287922672523394012013-10-25T15:36:00.001-07:002013-10-25T15:36:10.733-07:00I cannot write like I used to.<br /><br />I don't think that I'm good.<br /><br />At times, I think that I don't deserve anything good.Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-72710078124807108192013-04-12T03:20:00.001-07:002013-04-12T03:20:47.282-07:00an honest questionif i ever fall from grace,<br />
<br />
will you still be with me?Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-38257236348189260262013-04-08T16:13:00.000-07:002013-04-08T16:13:57.714-07:00demotivatedwhen you already tell yourself, that you worth everything in the world and your existence does have a meaning,<br />
<br />
there's always something, or someone, that keeps pushing you down.<br />
<br />
back to that dark cold place that you were trying so hard to get out from.Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-32618019112853337992013-04-08T12:49:00.001-07:002013-04-08T16:10:20.353-07:00i need a musei feel so tired lately. i did nothing though.<br />
<br />
i'm always sleepy, though i had too much sleep already.<br />
<br />
i can't focus in class.<br />
<br />
i have no idea at all to write those papers i was supposed to write long ago.<br />
<br />
why?<br />
<br />
if only i know the answer to that question.<br />
<br />Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-39997298858383571992013-04-07T10:56:00.000-07:002014-10-22T10:51:45.446-07:00Weekend outing,with the Lunchsters.<br />
<br />
<br />
We did simple things - brunch, movie and eating again. At KLCC, the usual place. It was fun.<br />
<br />
<br />
I guess a break from the usually boring daily routines, though doing nothing much in return, is satisfying enough.<br />
<br />
<br />
And before we all knew it, we are getting older day by day. The oldest among us was about my age when I first met them.<br />
<br />
<br />
Life is different, with different stories for each of us.<br />
<br />
<br />
Thank you God, for sending these people into my life.<br />
<br />Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-69314324498195719462013-03-26T12:16:00.000-07:002013-03-26T12:16:55.668-07:00What a Weekend! - Friday (220313)I shall break up the stories into three day: Friday (220313), Saturday (230313) and Sunday (240313)<br />
<br />
<br />
<u>Friday (220313)</u><br />
<br />
<br />
The Twin Towers @ Live 2013 was happening. I did not plan to go until I received a text from Chazzie. Being members of the media, she had to cover the events - from the press conference until the second day of concert. It's really about seeing her rather than the concert since we rarely have the chance see each other after she graduated went to work in Johor. I just tagged along.<br /><br />After sending Tham to boarding, we rushed to Hilton Sentral for the press conference. It only features 3 acts - U-Kiss, Demi Lovato and Backstreet Boys (yay!). Nana arrived earlier than us and she already registered for Dorkistic, and Chazzie went in.<br />
<br />
I sat at a sofa nearby, to pass the time as well as, perhaps, catching a glimpse of U-Kiss, or BSB. I saw there was an exhibition-like thing going on at the same level, I went there to check out. Apparently it was a different event altogether.<br />
<br />
I don't know how I get this crazy idea, but seeing that the people at the registration table were kind of busy doing their things, I casually walked into the room in which the press conference was held.<br />
<br />
I kinda crashed a press conference! XD<br />
<br />
Man, I was ecstatic! How can I not, to catch U-Kiss and BSB up close! I don't really know Demi Lovato though... sorry.<br />
<br />
Long story short, I just sat there pretending to be a reporter while in the reality, basking in all the happiness of seeing my favourite boybands. (>.<)<br />
<br />
After the press conference, we went to KLCC for the first night of concert. We had a very late lunch, and straightly went to the concert venue. My attempt to squeeze myself into the media pit with the Dorkistic crews was unsuccessful (what a conman I am!) and I brought myself to the public, non-paying place. But it's really good enough, as an unplanned trip as well as enjoying a live concert without having to fork out any money, hi hi.<br /><br />This is where the story gets interesting.<br />
<br />
When I get into the public pit, there wasn't really many people. I manage to get a bench to sit, and being me, struck up a conversation with this tired-looking lady besides me.<br />
<br />
I met an acquaintance there too. She came with her friends. I went to say hi to her, but then went back to bench where I came from to sit down. When I saw a lady giving away something to the crowd behind the railings, I went over to her to ask what's happening. That lady was giving away free tickets for the fanzone (rthe zone right in front of the stage)! She got lucky, her friends managed to get 2 tickets and off they went to the fanzone pit. <br />
<br />
I bring myself just behind the railing near this tower where they have spotlights on. Quite sad for not getting a free ticket but hey, I still have quite a good spot here too. Struck up a conversation (again!) with a young Chinese tourist who was here for a holiday with her mom (her mom was there too by the way). She is an engineer and is quite interested in the mechanism of F1 racing. She's going to the race and asked me if I'm going, and I said I will perhaps just watch in on TV. She said I look quite young for a 25-year-old. (I truly think that it would be very interesting to do a sociological experiment on this XD). She watched the performances for a while and she then excused herself to go have dinner. It was a pleasure meeting her and her mom.<br />
<br />
I then just stay there, all on my own, leaning on the railing, enjoying the performances. Atilia is certainly a very good singer. Well, her mom is Salamiah Hassan. She's definitely her mom's daughter!<br />
<br />
It was very nice of the organiser to have breaks for prayers. I was still leaning on the railing. It was during this break that a guy crew (about my age) approached me and asked quietly, like whispering,<br />
<br />
'Sorang je ke?' (Are you alone?)<br />
<br />
I just nod and said 'ha'a' (yes)<br />
<br />
He then reach into his jeans pocket and hand something to me...<br />
<br />
It was a ticket! To the fanzone!<br /><br />I was so overwhelmed I barely recognized his face. With an adrenaline rush, I quickly said thank you to him and off I dashes to the fanzone pit. but then I got myself thinking, I don't really thank him properly. After I got into the fanzone, I went to where he was stationed and from the distance, and I got to know his face when his eyes catches me and mouthed to him 'thank you!'. I then moved on as not to disturb him with his work.<br />
<br />
At last! I got to meet U-Kiss again this year! *%$#!$%&()<br />
<br />
We went back early as Chazzie and Nana wanted to get Fatone, and stay overnight outside of campus. They dropped me off at my college and I ended the night with a very tired body, but surreal feeling.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-74388347381098364612013-01-29T14:58:00.000-08:002013-01-29T14:58:43.388-08:00What's your worth?If I am to have love and children in the future...<br /><br /><br />I don't want them to be the punchbag for my emotional baggages.Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-79877240698798971552012-09-23T17:30:00.000-07:002012-09-23T17:38:34.822-07:00Monday morning, bad vibe.I will not let them take me down, again.<br />
<br />
<br />
I will not.<br />
<br />
<br />
They don't worth my tears.<br />
<br />
<br />
Buck up, self. Buck up.Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-68960010526865661062012-04-10T02:34:00.002-07:002012-04-10T02:44:36.220-07:00Kata orang,<br />semakin tua manusia, semakin matang dia.<br /><br /><br />Kata Al-Ghazali,<div>matangnya manusia itu pada ketika 40 umurnya.<br /><br /><br />Sejujurnya aku rasa,</div><div>manusia itu bisa mati tanpa pernah datang matangnya.<br /><br /><br />Pada apa kau kira,</div><div>kematangan itu?</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Pandangan orangkah,</div><div>atau kebolehan berfikirkah?</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Jika pada pandangan manusia letaknya,</div><div>kau tak akan pernah matang.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Jika fikir itu asalnya,</div><div>yang tahu hanya kau sorang.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Lalu hidup ini, </div><div>sebenarnya mahu apa?</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Mahu kenyangkan puas orang,</div><div>engkau mati.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Mahu sendiri,</div><div>dikata pula engkau si pelik.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Ini semua,</div><div>dua baris yang random.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Sudah lama tak menulis,</div><div>lidah kaku otak beku.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-8119104490761985172012-04-10T02:00:00.002-07:002012-04-10T02:12:29.713-07:00It's a long while.<div>A long, long while since I last updated this space.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>So much had happened,</div><div>so much had changed.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I have a new life now,</div><div>a restart.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Well,</div><div>it's an old life, re-lived.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Not really new,</div><div>isn't it?</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>It's a different world,</div><div>now that is.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-74957525515930392232011-12-01T12:40:00.000-08:002011-12-01T12:49:33.386-08:00MimpiDia, lelaki yang tidak aku kenali.<br /><br />Mukanya jelas, taklah handsome, tapi sweet.<br /><br />Tapi jika sekarang diingati, kabur langsung wajah itu.<br /><br />Dia tak aku minati, tapi dia suka mengusik.<br /><br />Kata orang London, tease.<br /><br />Dan jalan cerita seterusnya, aku lupa<br /><br />Yang aku ingat, ada demonstrasi.<br /><br />Aku yang baru sedar akan rasa yang sudah wujud, tercari-cari dia.<br /><br />Sehingga seseorang tunjukkan aku pintu, dan pintu itu dibuka.<br /><br />Di sebalik pintu itu, ada dia.<br /><br />Terbaring.<br /><br />Kaku.<br /><br />Dan aku meraung, in sorrow.<br /><br />Dan mimpi itu habis di situ.<br /><br />Entry ini sampah, dan dalam mimpi itu,<br /><br />Aku hilang dia.Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-34492631406888690642011-11-25T11:13:00.000-08:002011-11-25T11:44:00.118-08:002PM Hands Up Asia Tour in Malaysia 2011It came as a surprise, a very big surprise.<br /><br />Never plan for it, at all.<div><br />A text from Chazzie last Wednesday saying she wanted to meet me. Thinking that she's here to meet Fatone, I said ok, planning to go home early on Thurday as it is a long weekend.<br /><br /><div>Then, she revealed the real thing. She (and Nana!) won a pair of tickets for the concert. with passes to the hi-5 session.<br /><br />And the rest is history.<br /><br />Well, the hi-5 session was short. Very short. I can still remember Nickhun's smile, he was the friendliest. And Taec's smile too, though he seems like in an auto-pilot mode. His eyes were dreamy, and he was as if he was not really there. All of them looked tired.<br /><br />The concert.<br /><br />I totally can't recall the song-list. Totally. I take the saying 'carpe diem' in every sense. I spent most of my time concentrating on the performances, and oogling on Taecyeon and Nickhun every time they came to our section.<br /><br />I might do a recap when I get photos or videos of the concert, when I'm able to recall things.<br /><br />Some highlights or little details that I like to record for memory's sake<br /><br />-Taec kissed the roses before he gave it out to the fans.<br />-Heartbeat is daebak, theatrical and very dramatic.<br />-Taec jumped off to our section, even jumped off a barricade to go further up. Much to the dismay of his dancer and the security personnel though. Haha.<br />-They are very energetic throughout the concert.<br /><br />Really, I can't remember everything! I've been reminding myself to enjoy the moment, and I really did. Up until I remember nothing, after the occasion. Haha.<br /><br />This ranting is incomprehensible. Should sleep now, it seems. kkkk</div></div>Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-54466748595515865772011-10-11T00:30:00.000-07:002011-10-11T00:40:39.247-07:00Disturbed.Sometimes, the best thing to do is, be silent.<br /><br />The temptation to retort is, really, hard to resist.<br /><br />Especially when the subject matter is alien to the other party and they know nothing, but it is as if they knew everything.<br /><br />But it's not wise to do so when emotions are deep.<br /><br />And so for the moment, keeping mum is the way to go.<br /><br />Still, it's inevitable to feel annoyed, you know.<br /><br />Haha, come on, just let this moment pass.<br /><br />And you'll be okay.Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1019647439166580154.post-3381607171603720002011-10-08T06:48:00.000-07:002011-10-08T06:50:16.939-07:00It's happening, again.The time when I feel like everything's crumbling.<br /><br />And I can't do anything.<br /><br />This, is depressing.Scarred Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03193284726182048748noreply@blogger.com0