I was raised with guilt.

Being made to believe that I am never good enough for anything.

I am in the process of letting all that go.

It's not easy but I would like to believe that it is not impossible.

I deserve my happiness.

I need to get out of all these staleness and negativity.

I need to stop belittling my own intelligence.

I need to stop believing that I have no self-worth.

For a moment, I want to be happy.

I want to have a taste to life, again. And for my death not to be in vain.


I don't want to leave this world not having truly lived.

Not smart, nor beautiful, nor lovable, with no talent.



Inadequate, in every possible way.

If you wish to 'pijak' me, or say that I am 'kurang ajar', say that to my face you coward. You say that behind my back but put a smile and act cordial in front of me, such hypocrite. We never have any real connecting relationship, anyway, except for that that couldn't be severed.Since the very beginning it's always you and your friends. Never have you ask a concerning, 'what's wrong, you can always speak to me'. Fuck off!  

I have been made my whole life to think, that I will never be capable to be my own person.


And I growing up believing exactly that.


To this age.


I believe that it is the root to all my bad thoughts and wrong directions.


I think, I have had enough. It's time to take charge.