I have been made my whole life to think, that I will never be capable to be my own person.


And I growing up believing exactly that.


To this age.


I believe that it is the root to all my bad thoughts and wrong directions.


I think, I have had enough. It's time to take charge.

I have a picture in my head.
It is stagnant.
Ever so present.


Of a silhouette of no gender.
Drowning, in a deep cold water.
Its arm reaching out to the surface, it can feel the air already in its palm.


Another figure on a ledge on the water.
It is up there, safe and sound.
From the chill and deepness,
the darkness of the water.


Aware of that arm, that is trying to get out.
It puts its hand out.
Not to grasp that cold helpless hand out of the chilling water.
But to push its head down.


Deeper and deeper.
Until it drowns.
And die.

I learned that plans can sometimes go unwell when I was 21.


I got cancer.


So, buck up!

I cannot write like I used to.

I don't think that I'm good.

At times, I think that I don't deserve anything good.

an honest question

if i ever fall from grace,

will you still be with me?

demotivated

when you already tell yourself, that you worth everything in the world and your existence does have a meaning,

there's always something, or someone, that keeps pushing you down.

back to that dark cold place that you were trying so hard to get out from.

i need a muse

i feel so tired lately. i did nothing though.

i'm always sleepy, though i had too much sleep already.

i can't focus in class.

i have no idea at all to write those papers i was supposed to write long ago.

why?

if only i know the answer to that question.